STICKS AND STONES

‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

How often have we heard these words and even sang these words to taunt our enemies while growing up. We took it for granted and thought we were invincible because cruel words didn’t hurt us.
Often shielded by parents and loved ones, we, fortunately, didn’t have the fortuity to experience the full meaning of these words, thus saving ourselves from much unpleasantness and possible lifelong therapy.

It’s true, the tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart.

Most often than not we are so quick to pass judgment or express something hateful, without the slightest bit of consideration for the other person’s feelings.

“The worst of our faults is our interests in other people’s faults”

We judge and we get judged on so many levels.

If a person has an angry appearance, then he/she must be unfriendly.
If a person is quiet, then he/she is snobbish.
A fat person, must surely eat a lot and doesn’t take care of his/her health.
A skinny person is fashion conscious, looking for attention or setting the wrong example for other girls

If only we could take a few moments to show sincere interest in someone, we will find, that most probably, that unfriendly person has been through immense pain in their lives..

That quiet person actually suffers from chronic depression
That fat person has a life threatening thyroid condition

And that skinny person can only afford one meal per day.

I’m reminded of these words by a very wise person (p.b.u.h) : “There is reward for kindness to every little thing”

For, sticks and stones can most certainly break my bones, but, not something a few splinters and cast won’t fix…
Words on the other hand, can cause life long pain, and irrecoverable damage.images

 

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R. I. P

REUNION IN PROGRESS

….and other insensitive behaviour at a funeral.

Unfortunately I have witnessed this on more than one occasion where a funeral gathering becomes a platform for friends and family to celebrate a “reunion”.

While I understand, in current times a funeral or wedding are the only two occasions where family and friends meet, but is it right to openly display so much happiness at a funeral in front of the bereaved family.

It is rather unfortunate that we sometimes only get to meet long lost cousins, aunts and uncles at a funeral. while, I’m not suggesting ignoring other family members, but at the very least, just do it in a compassionate or low key manner. I have witnessed bouts of raucous laughter, high fives, reminiscing about childhood days, giggling about something silly, gossiping about other family members, etc etc

If the love for this world is blind, isn’t a funeral the perfect eye opener?

We need to take into consideration the family’s emotions and what they must be  going through and what shock and sense of loss they are experiencing at the time.

Fast forward to the “feeding time”…a lunch or dinner served after the burial. This, if I can just clarify, is not obligatory to the family to prepare. It is a form of hospitality towards their guests.

It is better for neighbours and relatives to make food in their own houses then bring it to the household (of the deceased), because it was narrated that when the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) heard that his cousin Ja’far ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with him) had died in the Battle of Mu’tah, he told his family to make food for the family of Ja’far, and said, “Because there has come to them that which will preoccupy them.”

The opposite seems to occur, when guests arrive at the dining table and some expect to be treated in some kind of royal manner. They rush to be the first to occupy a seat, irrespective of older people ahead of them, or other guests who have travelled long distances.

They expect the food to be served almost immediately and with good helpings. This point really deserves my ire since I just recently witnessed some  women at a funeral complaining about the meat not being cooked enough and about the quality of the milk that was served.

Is this the proper etiquette when paying your respects?

Firstly, it is food that you did not order, you were not invited but you were there to pay your respects, you were served a meal out of kindness shown to guests by the family. should you not consider, once again, the feelings of family members who just lost a loved one, and 5 star cuisine is the last thing on their minds.

Etiquette should be a natural part of life, but etiquette at a funeral should be practiced with a bit more dignity. As a race, we seem to be losing ourselves and our sense of compassion and sensitivity towards others.

If we could just take a moment to give our behaviour a once over, we can prevent so many unnecessary and unpleasant situations.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I WISH YOU A HUNDRED LIFETIMES

I was 19 years old and about to start a new chapter in my life

..MARRIAGE..w

A few months before my marriage, a loved one was going through a painful divorce…which raised many questions and concerns regarding my own future. The collapse of the marriage started when the wife refused to make ‘another cup of tea’ for her husband, which led to a huge argument, which ultimately ended in divorce.

I subsequently made it my ‘wifely’ duty to not refuse my husband when asked to make him a cup of tea. Being very young and lacking the proper advice and guidance, I managed to embed this piece of information into my head…that marriages can fail because of something so insignificant. I didn’t question the logic behind this information.

At first my new husband was delighted but also a little surprised that I was so eager to do simple tasks for him, in particular, making him tea…I would freak out when he made his own cup of tea and would ‘dutifully’ take over from him.

I soon discovered how unimportant it is about who makes the tea, or who does certain things around the house, which were previously a ‘woman’s job’.

It is about giving importance to each other first, and the rest will fall into place. Refusing to make that last cup of tea was just ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’.

Marriage is like a carved statue made of stone. This gets chiselled away bit by bit over the years when we take each other for granted, until there’s only a fragment of it left, which is then toppled over by that proverbial cup of tea.

Over a period of time, people change, along with personalities and age. No marriage is perfect, and if it was meant to be perfect, it would be called ‘NOTHING’…because nothing is perfect.

So how do we get over difficulties, hurdles, and other obstacles in a marriage?

25 years into my marriage, I can safely say we have now included the biscuits to go with that tea, and I find myself in a position where I can safely dish out some advice, which, if taken in small doses will prevent all ailments.

Hopefully my top ten tips are of some help.

  1. “Don’t go to be bed angry” …YEAH, NO. THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME, I’m not sacrificing sleep over a fight I might not even remember in the morning…go to sleep…if it’s still an issue in the morning, u will find a way to resolve it, if you should (God forbid), die in your sleep, then BELIEVE me, your spouse won’t have time to hold grudges, he/she will be too busy crying
  1. Kids are a beautiful blessing…but your spouse comes first…he/she was there before the kids and will probably still be there after the kids have left home…so make time for each other, and “invest” in your relationship..
  1. Trust your partner, (unless he/she gives you good reason not to). Always doubting your loved one may cause rifts which are not easy to overcome. Stop checking each other’s cell phones, messages, texts, emails, etc.…(that’s just border line psychotic)
  1. Stop testing each other , no one is perfect….each time your spouse fails one of your ‘tests’, he/she will fall short of your expectations, which will give you more reason to find fault with your relationship.
  1. Communication is vital, but that does not mean you ALWAYS have to say EVERYTHING that is on your mind. Sometimes wars can be prevented if we just remain silent.
  1. Romance doesn’t just happen, you have to make it happen…romance novels and over exaggerated Bollywood movies should be seen as entertainment only and not a guideline for how relationships are supposed to be… a gentle breeze blowing your hair over your face, soft romantic music out of nowhere, perfect make up, petals falling out of the sky, is just fantasy. Real romance is hard work and needs a lot of attention and detailed planning.
  1. Don’t turn to family and friends to sort out all your problems. You may complain to family today, and make up with your spouse tomorrow, but family will always look at your spouse differently, because they love you, it then becomes difficult to try and convince family that your spouse is a good person. Try to resolve issues between the two of you only.
  1. Talk good about each other when they are not around.
  1. Lift each other up, don’t look for an opportunity to get back at each other. Respect each other in front of others and especially in private. It strengthens your relationship and raises your value so high, which no one will be able to knock down.
  1. “You are only as good as the company you keep” – be careful when choosing your friends. Friends can enhance your relationship with your spouse or they could cause everlasting damage.

Here’s to a hundred lifetimes together and many more cups of tea 

 

 

LETTER TO GOD

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DEAR GOD

 And I know you are busy, but I just need a few minutes of your time.

Your precious time, spent listening to us every day.

Listening to us whine and complain about every little thing.

In this ever changing world, a world once so beautiful, some believed it to be heaven, we question your actions, doubt your power, demand to have more than our neighbour, and cry when we get what we wanted, because it’s still never enough.

We sit back with folded arms when your world is falling apart, being destroyed by those who hunger for power. We watch as buildings come crumbling down, homes are burnt to the ground, faces of children begging for mercy. And that’s the only time we thank you God. “We thank you God, that it’s not happening to us, Thank you God for protecting us, thank you God it’s not my child, thank you God it’s happening in another country”,,, and then we switch channels and go back to our lives. Lives  we find so boring, because we think we have so little.

How do you put up with us, GOD ?

 God, your name is AL – GHAFFAR –

“The all forgiving, the absolver, the veiler of sins and faults, the most protecting one.”

“The one who accepts repentance and veils or forgives our faults and sins, time and time again. The one who sets us free from guilt and shame of our sins and faults, such that we may discover inner harmony and peace”

“The one who can set aright or transform wrong deeds and change them into what become good deeds”

I write to you God, to ask you to forgive us for our actions, for being ungrateful and selfish. Forgive us for only thinking about ourselves.

Create in us such compassion, God, so our hearts become softened by seeing the plight of others, and that our eyes are cleared of short sightedness and we learn to appreciate what we already have.

 

From

your humble human

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Lies and other weird stuff Indian parents told !!!!

 

  • On a long trip…

“we are almost there”,, (we were ‘almost’ there like two hours ago)

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  • ‘be grateful and eat all your food, other kids around the world are starving” (still trying to figure out how I helped stop world starvation by eating all my food)

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  • “Don’t swallow the seeds or else a water melon/orange/nartjie, etc will grow in your stomach” (I was terrified of this every time I had a stomach ache, picturing tiny branches growing out of my belly button)

 

  • “Babies came from Aeroplanes”  (no wonder we ran outside every time we heard an Aeroplane, in the hope of seeing a baby ‘delivered’)

 

  • If you cross over someone lying on the floor, that person will stop growing.

 

  • “Do that one more time and you are going to boarding school” (20 more times, and u still here)

 

  • “Cracking knuckles is bad luck, you are calling the devil” (actually cracking knuckles is healthy for your bones)

 

  • “The park is closing, we have to go”

 

  • “We’ll see”  (which Loosely translated means ‘NEVA’)

 

  • “Keep making funny faces, and your face will get stuck that way” (mmmmm, the no.1 reason for self esteem issues)

 

  • “Stop swinging your legs, it’s bad luck” (here’s that ‘bad luck’ line again)

 

  • “Injections don’t hurt at all” (ya right, only until u see that scary looking school nurse with that scary looking injection in her hand, you feel the pain before you even get the injection)

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  • “7 years bad luck if you break that mirror” (okay so 7 years multiplied by all the other mirrors I broke in my childhood….ohhhhh ohhhkay, that explains life, lemons, bills, taxes, etc etc)

 

  • “Do that ONE more time and you’ll see what I’ll do to you”……. (how come we never caught up with this…because there were definitely more times we did what we were not supposed to do,,,,and nothing happened, but still, we were terrified of those words)

 

  • Your tongue is going to get black If you lie (not for any other reason like, debris, bacteria and other organisms collecting on the papillae which results in discoloration….Noooooo, it’s black because you told a lie).

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  • Wait until your father gets home, you’ll see…. (no other words were more terrifying than that…..nothing ever happened,,but we behaved because we didn’t want to ‘see’ what happens when our father gets home)

 

  • When you hurt yourself:

White mums “aww sorry honey, let mummy kiss it better for you”

Indian mums “good, carry on jumping like one Bandar (monkey), you’ll learn”

 

  • And WHY did Indian parents always include what you asked for in their scolding: ME: “Mum, can I go to the class party on Saturday?”                          MUM: “Class party? what class party? Go to your room and go make nice class party there by cleaning up that mess…..(and then mumbles under her breath)  mmmmphh, gone too big to go class party…wait till your father comes home!!!”

        

  • Nobody knows worse pain than when your mother brushed your hair and you kept moving around….and if she was angry with your father, then you really had it.. (death by ‘brush strokes)

 

  • When I was your age…… (that age old adage…..will it ever get old.

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  • As for Wooden spoons, bleh….. that was for sissies…the real pain was when you caught it with the Indian ‘champal’ (slippers)naija_beating_2

 

 

JOB SHADOWING

JOB SHADOWING IS A UNIQUE TECHNIQUE/IDEA/TOOL GIVEN TO YOU TO OBSERVE SOMEONE IN THEIR WORKPLACE.

AS THE NAME SUGGESTS, YOU GET TO SHADOW SOMEONE IN A PARTICULAR CAREER THAT YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN. THIS COULD LAST FOR A DAY, WEEK OR EVEN LONGER. THE PURPOSE IS TO EXPOSE YOU TO THE ACTUAL NITTY GRITTY, BEHIND THE SCENES, TRUE FACE OF WHAT YOU THINK YOUR CAREER MAY LOOK LIKE.

HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES  ARE SOMETIMES INSPIRED BY WHAT THEY SEE ON TV, AND DEVELOP A MIND SET ABOUT A CERTAIN CAREER THAT THEY THINK WOULD BE PERFECT, BUT IN ACTUAL FACT TURNS OUT TO BE THE OPPOSITE, AND THEY SPEND YEARS STUDYING AND THEN FIND THEMSELVES IN A CAREER THAT THEY HATE.

TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT AND MORE IMPORTANTLY A HUGE CAREER SHOCK WHEN YOU ACTUALLY ENTER INTO YOUR CHOSEN FIELD, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND JOB SHADOWING.

WHILE THIS IS NOT A NEW CONCEPT, IT IS OFTEN OVERLOOKED OR IGNORED. I FEEL THAT MORE FOCUS SHOULD BE GIVEN TO THIS, AND HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS SHOULD BE MORE EXPOSED TO THE VAST AMOUNT OF CAREERS OUT THERE.

IN SOME SOCIETIES BEING A DOCTOR OR A LAWYER ARE THE ONLY TWO ‘GOOD’ CAREERS, WHICH WILL ‘EARN YOU RESPECT AND SUCCESS’…THIS IS NOT TRUE AND MOST STUDENTS FEEL LIKE THEY WILL LET THEIR PARENTS DOWN IF THEY ARE UNABLE TO ACCOMPLISH THIS.

A SUCCESSFUL CAREER IS ONE WHERE YOU ARE HAPPY TO GO TO WORK AND DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

AS THE 2017 MATRICULANTS PREPARE FOR THEIR FINAL EXAMINATION, MANY ARE STILL DOUBTFUL ABOUT THEIR FIELD OF STUDY NEXT YEAR. I WISH THEM LUCK AND STRENGTH DURING THIS STRESSFUL TIME AND I WOULD ADVISE CAREFUL PLANNING AND CONSIDERATION REGARDING CAREER CHOICES WHEN APPLYING TO UNIVERSITY.

 

YOU ARE A RACIST !!!

So, I was shopping in Potchefstroom the other day,…

A beautiful town in the North West Province, predominantly white… founded by the Voortrekkers in the 1800’s.

Just shopping at one of the Retail stores, when I carelessly bumped into an old white woman. It was totally my fault, I was not paying attention and by accident hit the trolley into her foot…

I still can’t believe what happened next…this lady, turns to me and says,

‘it’s okay sweetheart’ and gives me the biggest smile ever.

I apologised and we went our separate ways, still a bit dazed and wondering how this situation didn’t end up on Facebook.

My only regret is that there was no video footage of this incident. I wonder if that video would’ve went viral or if people would’ve applauded the woman for being so ‘Unracist’.

I also had an incident at a spice shop a few months ago, where this Indian guy threw my bank card on the counter and slammed my grocery bag down, almost throwing it to the floor, which resulted in unkind words being exchanged between himself and my husband…was he being racist? Oh but wait a second, I’m also indian, so which category do I file him under… racist? Sexist? Rude? Or just plain arrogant?

In South Africa we tend to use the past as an excuse to paint everyone with the same brush.

No, I’m not saying there are no racists in this country, but it’s not limited to white, black, Indian or Coloured. Every race has racists… this does not make the WHOLE race to be racist.

Racism is not an inherent trait, we are not born with it, we CHOOSE to become Racists. 

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The word Racism, to me, is just a clutch for most people. It’s the quickest way to get the fastest attention.

 

A white man is not a racist because he has an argument with you at a restaurant. If he was a true racist, he would not even share the same air space as you.

A black man is not a racist because he is fighting for his rightful place in this country, if he was a racist, he would not be working side by side with you in the same workplace.

This word is being used loosely and for all the wrong reasons.

These days people are afraid to say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze, in fear of it being turned into a racist slur.

Stop the viral videos, Stop the cussing and name calling. Stop Labelling people.

Put your phones away when someone falls, and extend your hands to help them up. the lady at the Menlyn Mall, who was inappropriately dressed, should’ve been offered a jacket to cover up, not taunted and laughed at. People commented about her lack of morals…where are THEIR morals?

We are always ready to expose the faults of others, yet our faults are easily overlooked.

 “Whoever conceals the faults of another, Allah will conceal his faults in this life and the Hereafter.”

Not everything is a joke, and not everything is about colour.

 

 

HOW TO D.I.Y

 

(DESTROY IT YOURSELF)

“IF YOU ASK A MAN TO FIX SOMETHING, HE WILL FIX IT.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING HIM EVERY SIX MONTHS”

 

Too often men are judged for their poor “handyman skills”, or a lack thereof.

It’s about time we give them some credit and acknowledge their hard work, even if it does take them 6 months to complete a job….

As part of my “random act of kindness”, I decided to put my fears aside and let my husband complete a few jobs around the house. So I decided to ignore that little nagging voice in my head, popped a few Xanax, and a few minutes later, I bravely handed over the screwdriver and hammer to my husband.

the first task to be completed successfully was my shower, which was out of order for a few months now, but by the end of the day, it was looking as good as new.

download-3see, no mess, no fuss…well, maybe just a little mess…

 

My washing machine was fixed in a jiffy….and it took only 5 hours for emergency services to get my husband’s head unstuck…

 

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On the bright side, The electricity is back on,diy

 

images (6).jpg and The toilet door is fixed,

 

 And best of all, I have my own hot tub now…isn’t it amazing…and I didn’t even have to wait six months..

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So ladies, stop doubting your man, and give him a chance to destroy it….oops..i mean, DO IT HIMSELF..

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“A son is a son only until he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life”

My 11 year old recently made a comment that made me laugh, but also got me thinking. It was said in naivety and meant from the bottom of her heart.

She said, “mom, when you get old, I want to be the one to push you around in the wheelchair, and I’m never going to give my sister a chance”..I laughed at her innocence, especially since it was said with such conviction. At that moment I had mixed feelings of sadness and happiness. Sadness that I might be wheelchair bound in the future, and happiness, that my daughter will not abandon me in that state.

Daughters truly are a gift to their parents, and this is proven over and over with the passing of time. daughters will stand up to the world for their parents when everyone else remains seated.

now, by no means, am I saying sons are inferior to daughters. It is only by nature that women are a little more caring and compassionate than men, which makes them more receptive and in tune with their parent’s needs and feelings.

I recently found a truly inspiring piece that was dedicated to all daughters, it goes something like this…..

“A couple made a deal the night of their Marriage to NOT open the door of their room to anybody who comes knocking in the morning for any reason!
In the morning the parents of the husband came & knocked on the door, the husband & the wife were looking at each other & as they agreed before, they didn’t open the door. 
After a while the parents of the bride came knocking at the door to check on them, the couple were looking at each other, then the bride dropped a tear & started crying she said: “I cannot keep them knocking & not open the door, I miss them already” 
The husband didn’t say anything & he let her open the door for her parents.

Years & years passed & the couple had 5 children, the first ones were boys & the 5th was a little girl, when she was born the father was extremely happy that Almighty blessed him with her, & he threw a Huge Party for her in Grand style, people were so amazed with his joy & his happiness that they asked him, why are you so happy with her more than you were before with her older brothers?  
He answered simply:

 “She is the one who will open the door for me”

 

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ONE LAST ‘TALK’

To my daughter

A few life lessons as you prepare to leave home…

First on the list and maybe one of the most important of all:

  • Don’t be afraid of the world….be CAUTIOUS, but NEVER afraid
  • Always wear your seatbelt (well, not ALWAYS,,only when you are in a vehicle, obviously)
  • Contrary to what I always nagged you about ,,,you CAN actually wear un-ironed jeans…nothing superstitious or irrational will happen to you…
  • I have to tell you the truth…there WAS no ‘sink fairy’ —– if you use dishes, you have to wash them yourself… so, I would advise you not to pile up the dishes and wait for it to magically disappear, because it ain’t going anywhere.
  • Cook extra food, leftovers can be frozen… recent studies have proved that eating leftover food does not kill you…(btw, there was no magic cooking machine either,,,)
  • You don’t have to take EVERY piece of advice you get from EVERY person (well, except if it’s from your mother)…not ALL advice is necessarily good for you
  • Going to university does not automatically grant you your freedom…the degree in your hand after 4 years does
  • Friends are important, but only true friendship will stop you from staying out all night…choose your friends carefully
  • SLEEP (I can’t believe I’m saying this)…Sleep when you are tired…no need to pull an all – nighter hours before an exam… what you couldn’t study 3 weeks earlier is definitely not going to be miraculously embedded into your brain overnight… no matter how much ‘dragon’ and ‘red bull’ you may consume.
  • NEVER get into a car with a driver you are not familiar with.
  • If you didn’t open the can or bottle yourself, DO NOT DRINK FROM IT..(and in ‘bottle’,,,I mean, cooldrink, ice tea, milk)
  • Don’t let past fears stand in the way of your future…life happens, events occur, mistakes are forgotten, and if it didn’t kill you, it definitely made you stronger.
  • Boys are abundant, but YOUTH happens only once…no repeats…Choose wisely
  • When you feel DEPRESSED just remember,  It’s only a TEST, Kalima is the BEST…