How can we go from being totally in love to wanting to totally strangle our spouses.
Where did that love go? How did things change so drastically?
Can we still be the people our spouses married?
I say, why not? Why reach that stage in our marriages where we need a club and a spade? We need to be aware of each other’s feelings and emotions. It’s definitely not going to be the same as when we were dating or at the beginning of our married lives. When reality sets in and the honeymoon phase is over, there had better be something left over to hold this marriage together.
Like all precious and important things in our lives, MAINTENANCE, is the key. We have to maintain our relationships, fix small problems before they get any bigger, patch up the gaps and seal off any areas which may cause a leak in the future, but most importantly, do the maintenance YOURSELF. There’s no need to involve anyone else. You already know the answers to your questions. The more people we involve in our marriage problems, the less respect we give to our spouses.
Every marriage has problems, just like every job has it’s challenges, every South African road has its problems and daily road rages, but does this mean that we should quit our jobs at the first sign of trouble, should we stop driving or using the roads? This is a journey, we have to get to our destination, so why not fix up the bumps in the road and work on better ways to handle job challenges. We are always trying to fix things in our lives which are broken, so why should marriage be any different.
Most of us look for the first open window to jump out of when there are marriage problems. Why not sit back and take a second look. Don’t do it for the children, or to save face with the family. Work on your marriage because you know there is something worth saving. After all you are going to have to live with that person for the rest of your life, so don’t make compromises to suit other people, try and search for the magic which was there before.
That’s easy to say, but how exactly do we look for this magic?
Number one on my list is ‘communication’, without which, you might as well jump out of that window.
Communicate with your spouse, be best friends, share things with him/her which you normally share with other friends. We usually turn to friends first with exciting news or the latest gossip, we chat for hours with them about everything and at the end of the day when we get home, we are too exhausted to repeat our days events with our spouses. The evening seems boring, we are too tired, chores get in the way, kids interrupt, so many things to do,,and on and on the list goes.
BUT, what happens when, in the midst of all this, your friend calls and asks if you can accompany her to the shop (It won’t take more than 15 minutes),,,,u drop everything and up and leave, because she is your friend and she needs you…
So why not give that same attention to your spouse. Steal 15 minutes alone, even if it is to the shop around the corner. Believe me, the kids will manage just fine for 15 minutes. That’s called ‘quality time’…no need to plan weeks ahead to have quality time. Stop making excuses about having a hectic lifestyle. I have met many people who have ‘hectic’ lifestyles, but still manage to have affairs. So how did they manage to fit the affair into their hectic lifestyles?????
Spending quality time with your spouse and sharing your day with him/her will bring you closer and make you best friends. Start an affair, (with your spouse).
Relationships usually start by confiding in each other, sharing your fears and joys. Being there for each other and just listening. That’s the reason why affairs are increasing. And usually the other person doesn’t have anything too special, u look at her and say “he actually went for that, what does she have that I don’t?” that’s the million dollar question, she has time to listen and emphatise with him, she has time to support and boost his ego, the physical part of it is just an added bonus.
Marriages are falling apart, because we don’t have time,,well I disagree, I say, marriages are falling apart because we don’t MAKE time for each other anymore.
Stop blaming kids, work, society, money, the dog, etc etc etc….make an effort. U don’t take your car in for repairs when it falls to pieces, you take it in when you hear the first rattle or squeak in the engine.. (I’m guessing engines rattle and squeak)…
Marriages are similar, mend the small things that matter and the big things will take care of itself.
(Stay tuned for part 2, soon)